The Bigger Picture

If a man take no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.
-Confucius

I admit it. By nature, I tend to be an impulsive person. I'm hard-wired to be extremely emotional, and I've spent a lifetime combatting the waves of that emotional sea that would have me turn this way or that (Buy this! Move here!) on a whim. However, if my emotionally driven mistakes have taught me anything, it's this. While being led by your can help you identify and even realize your dreams; you darn well better keep your head engaged in the process, or you risk bringing a world of hurt upon yourself and others.

I can think of no better example of this principle than the adoption stories in the news lately. First, we had the story of the Baptist missionaries in Haiti. Unless you've been living in a cave, you know this story inside and out. To sum up, a group of Baptist missionaries tried to take a group of children they claimed were orphans over the border into the Dominican Republic. It turns out, not only did they have no paperwork for the children, the majority of the children weren't even orphans. They had been turned over to the missionaries by their families based on the promise of a better life and continued familial contact.

If I were to categorize this story, I would file it under "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." I don't care how altruistic the missionaries' motives might have been. They got caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and rushed headlong into a catastrophic situation without considering the consequences. They claim to have been starting an orphanage, but do not seem to have bothered to educate themselves on the international laws governing their actions, not to mention the psychological ramifications of taking a group of children in a crisis situation and removing them from the only stable connection they had left. Considering "what is distant"? I'm not sure they even considered beyond the next week.

Now in current news, we have another story of adoption plans gone awry. A Tennessee mother decided she could no longer parent her 7-year-old Russian-born adopted son. She placed a note in his backpack, put him on a plane, and shipped him back to Russia. The woman claims that the Russian orphanage workers had lied to her and that the boy exhibited violent and psychotic behavior. She further claims that an attorney she found and communicated with online advised her that this method of nullifying the adoption was legitimate.

Once again, I have to ask, what on earth was this person thinking? Adoptions do disrupt, it's true. It's also traumatic and heart-wrenching for all involved. However, there are concrete steps in place to mitigate the pain and suffering involved. The woman in Tennessee could have contacted the agency she used for the adoption (one source does mention that she used an agency) and expressed her desire to disrupt the adoption. A reputable agency would have asked her questions, tried to help the family through counseling, or ultimately placed the child with a family experienced in handling the boy's particular issues. Sticking an unaccompanied minor on a plane with a note saying, essentially, that you don't want to be his mom anymore is unconscionable.

Obviously, once again, someone didn't count the cost. And both these stories have a personal connection for me, because I am a parent currently waiting for the referral of a child through international adoption. So if I seem angry at these individuals, I am. That is my bias. In each case, all it would have taken to avoid an international incident was to slow down, do some research, and think rationally and long-term. Instead, they acted in a rash and irrisponsible manner and the consequences for their actions may impact all of us engaged in international adoption.

There are many, many wonderful children here and abroad who are in need of loving families. One google search alone will bring up thousands upon thousands pictures that will tug your heartstrings relentlessly. And while it is right to want to help children in need, adoption is not the right choice for everyone, and it is not a decision to be taken lightly. In any adoption, you will be taking a child from the only home he/she has ever known and thrusting him/her into a new and strange environment. Add to that the baggage involved in coming from an institutional setting, and you multiply the potential trauma exponentially. This is not to say that most adoptions don't work out well. In fact, the majority of adoptions end in a wonderful, loving family; which is why stories like the above make the news. They are an anomaly. I have personally known families on both sides of the fence, families with successful adoptions and families who have experienced disruption. The most important factor in determining success, besides knowing your limitations, seems to be proceeding with an open heart, but also a teachable mind.